So we're going to call this past week, the week for forgetting the old system. However this is not what the new system is going to be. I've allowed myself to lose touch with being such a robot and get back in touch with humanity again. I have NOT loved it. I realize though, that apathy and just going through the motions is not a whole lot better than going downhill as i previously was. It is good to feel familiar feelings i once had, granted, alot of them are not pleasant ones. You have to have balance. nothing can be beautiful if there is nothing vile to compare it to. logically you think you may rather plateau. You think it'll be ok to live without any very high highs as long as that means the lows wont get so low. you realize what a life without ups and downs is?
 it's not one. Anyhow my plan is simple at its core. Create some kind of system of how to keep those who want to be a part of this project in check. To kickstart the part of your life cycle where you stall out. To shake off the allowance you give yourself to give in, to whatevers wasting the time you should be spending doing exactly what you know you SHOULD be doing. Depending on where you are this may sound more impossible than it's worth but i dont believe that. if you stop living, you're just dying. The last thing i am is some super optimistic unrealistic ditz but i know everyone is capable of bettering themselves. This will not be what's been tried 1000000 times over only to aid a few, or a select group or type. Imperfect and subject to change if its for the better. This project already has a life of it's own.

because I just couldn't narrow down my thoughts into anything that made any sense. Delivery driving is alot of time to just ..think. every time I went on a run I'd turn my music up to drown out thinking but i'd have to turn it down because it was just complicating the thoughts i was already having. Not to mention my wisdom teeth are giving me hell again which basically means a constant headache. My head was still pounding while drawing but i haven't drawn in so long that i got down as much as i could before i had to stop and find something to help me sleep because nothing was strong enough to make the tooth/head/throat ache stop. I have to get to work again today  and i haven't trained or been to the gym since last Wednesday. I hate it, It's all a slap in the face remembering why i started all of this. I wanted balance. Now removing that balance (that became the eating disorder) has got me impulsively thinking about getting in my car and driving to the beach and just hoping i find the funds to make it go smoothly. I crave alcohol and amphetamines which i haven't cared for basically since i've started training so hard and eating (what i thought was right). As far as approaching my dad about it...I haven't. Actually I almost feel like I've been avoiding him. I am 100% positive this will be extremely difficult for us to do and I don't know how i'll take his response. My dad's a fine guy it's just that his coping methods (which are like 3/4 the same as mine) are very..."stop making a big deal and just get things done". I like doing things this way also. It was hard as a kid but i've come to live the same way. It's not working now though; I'm skipping over things. I'm really stuck about how to approach this without downplaying it all over again, shutting down the whole project, knocking off the 'dramatics' and going back to what was keeping me somewhat functional previously. (Not necessarily happy, but functional) Dad seems to have a different perspective than i remember though and i think he will be willing to do something like this to try and work old issues out. That's what I'm hoping for anyhow. If not then simply based on the response I've already gotten and the accountability i now feel I'm going to continue the project without his consent. I feel like this is a chance to help that relationship at the same time i work on myself though so i just feel it's worth some effort.

Here. On mother's day, 20 minutes before work. Nothing is working but i can tell this is a step in the right direction. Immediately have had so much positive feedback and already now know 3 people aside from myself (whom i already knew) that struggle with problems similar to mine. This site is not exclusive to my eating disorder, but right now it is the biggest issue i think i'm facing so this will be where i start. i don't have time to say a whole lot but i want to keep up so i needed an introduction... til i get off work.