The site will be weird and goofy for a bit while i experiment...
and someone else is getting a page next to mine, i dont know if they will be anonymous or not. trying things at random... we're hoping it helps the both of us and maybe her page will communicate with those which mine does not?
Be constant. Be unbiased. Listen. Decipher, do not OVER analyze.
Derive your perspective from a place that is not influenced by anything outside of you. Never try, do. Stop hoping, know. Disregard the scales that read your weight, gpa, social class, or rank etc. Devote concern to the scales that balance what you do, how you do it, where your effort goes, how time turns up spent and all the facets that compose your life. Simplify yet give credit to the extent of the real struggle the task at hand presents. No excess. Don't throw a fight for one bad blow, don't get distracted, keep your guard up, chin tucked, yes... you still have to swing and you'll get dizzy unless you remember to breathe. Trial and error. Try things. The ideas that make sense and the ones that don't if it showed results for someone you can give it a bit of time (but no excess, repetitive errors, move on to the next trial) Not every system will apply direct to you were are a diverse people as much as we relate. You're free to make anything yours, take it. Pick other peoples thoughts, ideas, mantras etc and pick them into pieces throw out the trash that doesn't apply to you, take the things that work and hold on to them. LASTLY- RECOGNIZE YOU FAULTS OVER AND OVER AND OVER. STOP BEING OVER PROTECTIVE OF YOUR DOWNFALLS, QUIT HIDING THE NEGATIVES IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD. GET THEM OUT, LOOK THEM OVER RID YOURSELF OF THEM, CLEAN A PIECE OF EACH. SURE, A MEMENTO, KEEP A LITTLE, TO REMEMBER WHAT ONCE WAS MAYBE WHAT WAS LEARNED, WHERE YOU WERE. But tear em up. what you keep should not still be functional. Disable them. You've been using them so long but they're flawed you must revise everything. History is doomed to repeat itself if you ignore its existence.
HOW ITS BEING APPLIED IN MY LIFE:
I bring this project up often to hear outside opinions from different perspectives but ultimately this is mine. My oxygen mask doesn't go on first: i am worthless to anyone else. It has been suggested i look into meditation. As goofy as that has sounded in the past, i dont see why i've been so opposed to something so many people i know use to their benefit. Sounds difficult for me but the book I've found by a the basist of a akron pun k band who is also a buddhist priest seems to be worded in a way i may actually gain understanding of such things. Up above i guess i forgot to mention the excessive willpower tryin to be balanced has taken, like this moment right now where i have to stop writing because i need to finish other things before work. I want to tell you all what my outlines look like so far for this group and address the concerns i've heard but currently i have to go about my day.
i will respond to any comments, concerns, emails etc. ASAP. (alot of this is being super anonymous, Cool glad you can confide in me seriously, any idea how to put these anonymous things out for other anonymous people to see and possibly use? Maybe there could be a way to start anonymous until these anonymous groups that relate could eventually reveal who they really are..? ....just thoughts.)
So we're going to call this past week, the week for forgetting the old system. However this is not what the new system is going to be. I've allowed myself to lose touch with being such a robot and get back in touch with humanity again. I have NOT loved it. I realize though, that apathy and just going through the motions is not a whole lot better than going downhill as i previously was. It is good to feel familiar feelings i once had, granted, alot of them are not pleasant ones. You have to have balance. nothing can be beautiful if there is nothing vile to compare it to. logically you think you may rather plateau. You think it'll be ok to live without any very high highs as long as that means the lows wont get so low. you realize what a life without ups and downs is?
it's not one. Anyhow my plan is simple at its core. Create some kind of system of how to keep those who want to be a part of this project in check. To kickstart the part of your life cycle where you stall out. To shake off the allowance you give yourself to give in, to whatevers wasting the time you should be spending doing exactly what you know you SHOULD be doing. Depending on where you are this may sound more impossible than it's worth but i dont believe that. if you stop living, you're just dying. The last thing i am is some super optimistic unrealistic ditz but i know everyone is capable of bettering themselves. This will not be what's been tried 1000000 times over only to aid a few, or a select group or type. Imperfect and subject to change if its for the better. This project already has a life of it's own.
because I just couldn't narrow down my thoughts into anything that made any sense. Delivery driving is alot of time to just ..think. every time I went on a run I'd turn my music up to drown out thinking but i'd have to turn it down because it was just complicating the thoughts i was already having. Not to mention my wisdom teeth are giving me hell again which basically means a constant headache. My head was still pounding while drawing but i haven't drawn in so long that i got down as much as i could before i had to stop and find something to help me sleep because nothing was strong enough to make the tooth/head/throat ache stop. I have to get to work again today and i haven't trained or been to the gym since last Wednesday. I hate it, It's all a slap in the face remembering why i started all of this. I wanted balance. Now removing that balance (that became the eating disorder) has got me impulsively thinking about getting in my car and driving to the beach and just hoping i find the funds to make it go smoothly. I crave alcohol and amphetamines which i haven't cared for basically since i've started training so hard and eating (what i thought was right). As far as approaching my dad about it...I haven't. Actually I almost feel like I've been avoiding him. I am 100% positive this will be extremely difficult for us to do and I don't know how i'll take his response. My dad's a fine guy it's just that his coping methods (which are like 3/4 the same as mine) are very..."stop making a big deal and just get things done". I like doing things this way also. It was hard as a kid but i've come to live the same way. It's not working now though; I'm skipping over things. I'm really stuck about how to approach this without downplaying it all over again, shutting down the whole project, knocking off the 'dramatics' and going back to what was keeping me somewhat functional previously. (Not necessarily happy, but functional) Dad seems to have a different perspective than i remember though and i think he will be willing to do something like this to try and work old issues out. That's what I'm hoping for anyhow. If not then simply based on the response I've already gotten and the accountability i now feel I'm going to continue the project without his consent. I feel like this is a chance to help that relationship at the same time i work on myself though so i just feel it's worth some effort.
Here. On mother's day, 20 minutes before work. Nothing is working but i can tell this is a step in the right direction. Immediately have had so much positive feedback and already now know 3 people aside from myself (whom i already knew) that struggle with problems similar to mine. This site is not exclusive to my eating disorder, but right now it is the biggest issue i think i'm facing so this will be where i start. i don't have time to say a whole lot but i want to keep up so i needed an introduction... til i get off work.